I loved him! I believed he`s the love of my life. But I was wrong, luckily or unfortunately. I never believed he was the kind of person that would hurt someone, especially someone he loves. I was pretty much obsessed, he was too.
We talked every single day of our relationship. Miles between us meant nothing. I was truly in love, for the first time of my life. I was happy, proud, flying high up in the clouds....
He was everything I ever wanted, needed, imagined...
Also he was weird, funny, clumsy, sometimes really dumb, but I loved all his flaws.
I loved that he`s being him (at least I thought he was).
It didn`t finish nice. I was angry as hell. I felt....pure rage. How could someone so far make you so much damage?! How could someone so far break your heart?! For days I was just pretending being tough. I laughed, I made jokes, went out, but every single moment I thought about him.
I imagined all that bad stuff he has done behind my back. Thinking about how much things I haven`t known.
I was angry...angry as hell.
Lot of time passed since then. I`m not angry anymore. Now I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry cause he coudn`t be stronger in that time back then. I`m sorry he didn`t have the courage to be honest.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about him, with a smile on my face,but I feel ..... I feel sad. It doesn`t hurt at all! I`m just sad cause the end was bad, cause I never thought there will be an end at all.
I never thought about going back. But I tried to be a friend.. I just can`t. I can`t be a friend to someone that purposely hurt me and lied to me no matter how much I loved him.
Sometimes I blame myself... cause I didn`t ran to him and just stayed with him.
Actually... I never got a reason from him for hurting me. He even didn`t apologize, he didn`t care, not even a bit. That`s the reason I feel sad when I catch myself thinking about him. He wasn`t sorry, so I shouldn`t be sad at all!
I wish now more then ever that things were different. But I`m not sure would I rather change the end or the bigining. Would I just erase the night I meet him, or would I ran to him while I still had the chance?!
Anyway, I learnt a lot. I learnt I should always believe in myself. Believe my guts, what my instinct is telling me.
I remember how scared I was to lose him. But I remember that inner voice telling me I shouldn`t believe everything I hear from him. And I was always struggling with that. But I loved him and didn`t care about that after some time.
Now I can`t have a proper relationship with anyone cause my instict is telling me that people will hurt me. I made boundaries. I can`t let myself fall in love, to feel loved. I don`t believe people`s emotions. And I just stopped being that HSP person who needed to control every emotion I had. Now I just feel cold and heartless. I even started thinking that`s a good thing cause now no one can come so near me that could be able to hurt me. And no matter how much someone makes an effort about me I just don`t appreciate it like I (maybe) should.
I can`t say I`m not happy now. I am! I still do things I like, I travel, I`m meeting new people, but still missing that feeling of being important to someone, to be loved and cherished just for who I am.
To have someone that I could put my arms around and feel warm, someone I can lean on and feel safe.
It`s just the past, but it was a good lesson, too.
Even if I marked myself for life with that relationship I`ll always remember it with a smile, no matter how much I`ll feel sad. I`ll remember the good stuff... travels, emotions, jokes, even some stupid fights cause they were so full of laughter.
And I`ll remember him as someone that made me change myself. To become stronger, more independant, more aware...
I`ve made a bad story good and I`ll keep doing that! I`ll keep being me, with all my flaws, my emotions, my strenght and weaknesses. I`ll always be me, but now, JDM is a part of me! ......
Lost Me
